I realized very recently that I’d been down on myself for a very long time. My appearance changed radically from my 20s to 30s. I’m now a bald, hairy, slightly overweight man in my early 30s. I’m also in the midst of a career change, so lots of ‘new’ and adjustments.
Add to the above surface level things the fact that I rarely stick to my daily meditation or yoga routine, I drink a tiny bit too often and nothing I do in my life seems very ‘Instagrammable’ anymore (reading, walks in the park etc vs Three Michelin Star restaurants and endless travel abroad). Life phases I guess.
Body positivity/ self love is a fantastic trend but I fear it hasn’t bled into the men’s realm as much yet. We’re in a ‘flex’ culture. It would be weird for people to think of real men looking in the mirror thinking they want to change something about their appearance. Or beating themselves up for something that maybe they can’t control at that moment in time.
The prevalence of social media makes it harder too — I’m bombarded on my explore page with pictures of hairless, shirtless dudes sunbathing in Bali allegedly making millions of dollars working 15 seconds a day on their laptops.
I’ll raise my hand and say that I’ve suffered from bouts of depression caused by too much time on social media. I fell into the comparison trap.
The first step was for me to realize that I was comparing myself and feeling inadequate.
It’s like AA, you need to identify and admit that you have a problem.
Damn, it’s awkward even writing about this stuff. I feel exposed.
Once I identified that I had career comparison, travel envy and body positivity issues, I started noticing things that made me feel a whole lot better about myself.
I just want to say, in case I’ve turned off any macho men who only accept 100% for themselves — this is not an article about lowering goal posts and accepting mediocrity. This is a technique that worked for me to get myself out of a few ruts, unlearn some bad behaviors and gain the confidence to once again start climbing the ladders I set up for myself. I still want the best out of life, I just want the best version of myself not someone else.
Here are the 5 things that shifted things for me:
A Book
Kamal Ravikant did something that should inspire all men, from the hardy lumberjack to the tech nerd. He wrote about his recent failures and was totally honest and vulnerable in doing so.
His self published tome: ‘Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It’ charts his journey through a failed business, anguish and depression.
Ravikant outlines a 4 step practical guide to self love, including affirmations, meditations and more.
It’s refreshing to see someone in the public eye admit to mistakes, failures and a pattern of self doubt that they were able to conquer and reverse.
His vulnerability in the book is brave, helpful and damned important for people to see, especially men. The lessons I gleaned were that it’s OK to fail and we will never be perfect, we just need to love ourselves unconditionally and we can move on to future success.
Try telling yourself in the mirror that you love yourself unconditionally — after about the 7th time doing it in one session, I couldn’t help but grin like a big kid.
My Father’s Compliments
My dad was a sweetheart and a very attentive and complimentary one at that. He was always trying to find positivity in common things and this resulted in him commenting on my clothes, smile and other best qualities.
When I was with my dad last year, he complimented my newfound dedication to spirituality, my beard, my height, my travels and worldliness, the way I played with the dog so lovingly and about a million other little things. He always found something and it was always genuine.
We lost dad a month ago and now I really miss those nice things he used to say.
He reminded me of the good things I had going for me, all the time. Even though I used to cringe when he said them, I couldn’t help but smile in quiet gratitude.
I realized I needed to replace his comments with my own, so now I am very strict about positive self talk and finding things to love about myself.
Buddhism
I spent two weeks in a monastery last year and learned about Buddhist life principles and also various meditations.
The deeper I go into spirituality, the more the message of ‘non-judgement’ comes up. We are taught not to judge or label thoughts and emotions with words like ‘good’ or ‘bad’.
I stopped looking at myself as fat or thin, tall or short, bald or not: I simply ‘am’; I simply exist
These superficial concerns and attached labels are subjective in their meaning. To one guy, I’m a giant, to another I’m a very small person. It’s all relative and I don’t need to expend mental energy comparing.
Buddhism also discusses the concept of reincarnation, something I was raised on in my Hindu household. If you believe in reincarnation, you buy the idea that we are ‘consciousness’ (like a spirit or mind) and that our body is simply a vehicle or vessel for this particular lifespan. This has given me a very utilitarian and functional attitude to my body. I want to enjoy life and so I will keep my body fit and healthy enough to allow me to meditate, travel and live with vitality, nothing more. I no longer care about the shirtless Instagram selfie, the exacty shallow motivation every time I had a six pack in my life.
A girl
It’s crazy to me how impactful the attention of the opposite sex can be. I’m currently dating a girl who literally ogles me constantly. She’s always telling me how sexy I am and actually goes as far to highlight the exact things I hate about myself as her favorite physical attributes. She’s into big, manly dudes… so 6ft3in and 240 lbs is just fine and dandy with her. She doesn’t want me to shave my chest anymore. She loves our hikes, that I train MMA and can run a 5k but doesn’t need me to body build on a 5 day split and count macros because we get to have fun and enjoy life.
The boost to my self confidence has been highly noticeable — I will strut around the condo in my boxer shorts and I’m much less reserved in the bedroom. Want to go to the beach later? Sure let’s do it. I even started posting on Instagram again, where I spent the last 3 years hiding in the shadows because I’d seemingly ‘aged’ after a grueling bout of depression.
I was worried about a few greys showing up in my beard a few months back… now I can’t wait for that salt and pepper baby! I know that my dad’s voice will ring in my head and I know the girl I’m dating will probably love it. It feels good to not be afraid to look human or flawed.
Combat Sports
Tyson Fury is the heavyweight boxing champion of the world. He looks like a large potato. I am not shaming him, in fact I am celebrating the fact that he does not look like most other chiseled, tanned athletes in the public eye. The ‘Gypsy King’ often chides his opponents for their appearances, noting that the adonis aesthetic is completely unnecessary to becoming a champion boxer.
Fury also suffered years of intense depression, culminating in a near death experience when he tried to drive his Ferrari off a bridge. God intervened he says and he has since lost the extra 200lbs he put on in his bad times, come back and reclaimed the heavyweight throne.
An inspiration to all those men who struggle with mental health.
Every week or so I watch the UFC and I see men as big as 265lbs, some muscular, some fat, some hairy, some bald and everything in between. These guys are cheered for, celebrated in all their shapes, sizes and glory. The value they bring to the sport is in their ability to fight, not how they look.
The value they brought to me, was reminding me that people come in all different packages and nobody should have to hide. We all have qualities and values to shout about and share with the world.
My most important realization
Self acceptance and self love doesn’t mean you can’t evolve and change.
My biggest fear in ‘loving myself’ these past years was that if you accept yourself, you can never improve. If I’m happy with my weight or look then how will I ever get fitter? If I’m happy with my career, how will I ever make more money or grow a business or an online presence?
This is the biggest load of horse shit I have ever fed myself.
When you love yourself today, you still leave room for the chance to improve tomorrow. Remember the old Kai Zen principle of improving 1% daily. You won’t SEE the changes because they’re so small but they’re happening.
But you’ll notice a big difference when you tell yourself in the mirror how much you love yourself — you will have the confidence to try and stretch yourself a little more than usual that day. Being your own best friend will make you start going on a quick run, or meditating or having the occasional salad, because shit, you’d do that for your best friend right? You now love yourself and want to spoil yourself with long health and vitality.
It’s moving from being your own bully to being your own best friend.
And that…. is my earth shattering revelation. It may seem obvious to some and I’ve been hearing this self love stuff for a while not but it never sunk in, til now.
I guess everyone learns in their own time.
Good luck out there you beautiful people.
DISCLAIMER: I don’t want to disparage social media in its entirety… we are moving in the right direction as a society. There’s a popular TikTok trend of (mostly) women showing themselves with and without makeup. I also follow a girl on Instagram called Mac, the self titled: Human Builder. She espouses the causes of self love and authenticity and is a truly positive inspiration in the IG community. You can’t help but be uplifted by her humble, vulnerable and real coverage — check her out @the_human_builder!
