What you can do instead.
Let’s face it.
Positivity doesn’t really work.
Not truly.
An optimistic outlook on life? Feeling young? Abundance mindset? Growth mindset? According to science these all work.
What I am addressing here is that brand of positivity one of your co-workers or neighbors subscribes to. That smiling moron that tries to ‘spin’ things for you when you honestly tell them things are a bit shit right now.
At best cheesy, at worst positively frustrating, this type of positivity hasn’t actually been shown to do a damn thing. One could even argue that putting a ‘positive’ spin on things can often make you look like a proper idiot.
What then are we to do when the proverbial merde hits the fan? When we’re forced to work from our cramped, noisy homes with dogs and kids running amuck? When budgets are squeezed and uncertain? When we’re learning new Covid containment measures and PPE requirements with seemingly increasing frequency?
We’re all too smart to believe that simply ‘staying positive’ and plastering a smile on our faces is the solution to what we’re facing.
Let’s look at why that is:
1. Positivity seems fake and disingenuous. It’s sort of the ‘brave front’ you put on for your kids when something bad happens.
2. Positivity doesn’t actually solve practical problems.
3. It feels like you’re sweeping the issues under the rug and can appear to others that you’re not really grasping or addressing the seriousness of the tasks at hand.
4. It’s finite. You can only put a positive spin on things for a set amount of time before you crack or before people around you think you’ve totally lost the plot and have your head in the clouds.
5. It’s not fun. Honestly bemoaning your problems over a cup of tea or a pint is far more cathartic.
So what are the alternatives? Well they’re probably going to sound as wishy washy and esoteric as being fake positive all the time but they’re the cutting edge solutions to having a better mindset and putting yourself in a better position to handle daily stresses.
1. Practice gratitude.
It is virtually impossible to have a negative mindset if you’re truly grateful and appreciative. Every morning, list 3 things you’re grateful for. Every night before bed do the same. This creates new neural pathways in your brain over several weeks to shift your focus to what is going right in your life.
I’ll share my list from this morning with you right now. I am grateful for:
1. Living in the technological age, where all information is at my fingertips.
2. My sister’s dog Jackson who brings me daily joy.
3. My good health.
Am I still going to have to put our fires today? Of course. Am I still going to deal with a mountain of emails and seemingly insurmountable issue? Yep. But am I just a little bit more cheerful as I do it because I know I have good things going on in my life? I think so. Try it yourself.
2. Mindfulness.
Ok I’ll keep this one simple and not delve deep into the psychology or Buddhist principles from which this principle hails.
Essentially, we have to remember that we are not our thoughts. We have been conditioned to simply act on our thoughts impulsively as though we have no choice. In fact, events will stir up thoughts and emotions but we actually have the power to change our reactions. Here’s how:
When you next feel angry, sad or overwhelmed:
a. STOP (sometimes actually gesturing to yourself to stop helps)
b. Step back from the situation
c. Observe your own thoughts and emotions as if you are an outsider
d. Figure out what your trigger is/ was
I promise that when you apply the above formula, you will be able to re-engage with your problem with a new perspective. Less likely to be impulsive, fly off the handle or even take it so personally. This technique affords you objectivity. It allows you to spot your own patterns and try to rewrite them.
3. Change your self talk.
Some people swear by positive affirmations, repeating ‘I am successful and happy’ in the mirror everyday. If that works for you then great but I see it as a dressed up version of ‘positive thinking’. We don’t really believe the incantation we’re saying do we?
I think what is crucial though is identifying our own negative self talk. Ask someone close to you, a colleague, a friend or spouse to call you out on negative self talk. You may be surprised how often you do it. It’s those little defeatist things you tell yourself that may be harmless in one instance but when they form a lifelong pattern can sabotage you severely.
Examples of dangerous negative self talk:
a. I’m not worth it
b. I’m not good enough
c. I’m not lucky
d. I don’t deserve better
e. I can’t see a way out
f. It’s not worth trying because things will never change
Use your new mindfulness ‘STOP’ technique to catch yourself when you’re about to say one of these things to yourself or others. Then reframe it.
a. I’m not worth it → I am worth it
b. I’m not good enough → I am good enough
c. I’m not lucky → I can be lucky
d. I don’t deserve better → I deserve better
e. I can’t see a way out → I can find a way out or I know someone who may see one
f. It’s not worth trying because things will never change → I should have a go
Remember, this isn’t standing in front of the mirror like a braindead zombie repeating the L’Oreal slogan to yourself. It’s waiting for something to happen, then in the moment catching your negative response and then changing it to something not positive just more productive. Catching yourself in real time is far more practical and over time will rewire your brain to look for solutions than focusing on problems.
Conclusion:
If you’re resistant to trying any of the above, just remember… nobody likes a Sad Sally or a Debbie Downer. You’ll end up attracting more moody, negative people if you don’t change your perspective. These people will ‘enable’ your tendencies and keep you trapped where you are. Sure surrounding yourself with uplifting, cheery people will help but they’re going to need to want to surround themselves with you.
Focus on what is in your control first: your own thoughts.
Onwards.
