As I write this, I get choked up, sat here in my apartment in Charlotte, NC. No tears fall however and I get that familiar feeling of nonsensical guilt for not being able to weep on every occasion when I remember my father.
Dad died March 9th 2021. Not Covid, he had been sick with a lung condition for a couple of years and it just caught up to him a few months after his 80th birthday.
I’ve been reflecting recently on what lessons I learned from my father and thought I’d share the top 10 that stood out to me. I hope one or two of them prove insightful or better yet helpful on your journey.
1. Call People on Their Birthday
My dad called every person he knew, every year on their birthday or wedding anniversary. I repeat: every single person. Every single year. That red diary below from 1989 was his log of contact information and key dates.
People were blown away by the gesture. Absolutely touched. From 15 year olds to his old cronies in their 80s. He told me he learned this as a networking technique when he belonged to the ‘Lion’s Club’ in Uganda but continued the practice as a way to stay in touch with people.
Don’t send cards or emails, give the most precious commodity you have: time. Call.
How many people do you genuinely like but haven’t caught up with in about 3 years? The longer it continues, the further you drift.
Dad never allowed that to happen.
People loved him for it.
2. Read Lots of Books… Concurrently!
Dad was known for having great general knowledge and a true thirst for wisdom. He could talk to anyone from any walk of life about pretty much anything and hold his own. Not in an egotistical way but with limited knowledge and a genuine interest to know more.
He credited his reading habits with this.
He would have about 10 books on the go at any given time, each one with a bookmark haphazardly stuffed into a page he’d left off at. He had no desire to finish books. Life was too short. He skimmed, flicked and followed his feelings at the time.
As a result he never tired of reading. It never became a chore. He only read as much as he felt like and he only read on the topic or genre he felt like at that moment.
Crime thrillers, autobiographies, self help, mystery and business books — all fair game, all the time.
That was pretty cool and something I’ve taken with me. I recently had a weighty Buddhist text, Bryan Cranston’s autobiography and a book on real estate investing in my rotation every day.
3. Choose Your Words Carefully
Words become thoughts, thoughts become actions — choose carefully
I have a veritable potty mouth. Living in London, then New York doesn’t make you flinch at the sound of curse words.
I don’t think I heard my Dad swear once in my entire life. Even if he got mad, calling someone a ‘bloody rascal’ was about as far as he’d go. If you speak British English you know that insult is like calling someone a ‘naughty scamp’. It’s tame AF.
As a result he felt he kept his mind pure and kept a strong reputation as a man of dignity.
Never once did I see him engage in idle gossip.
Essentially a virtuous man.
Even if we don’t manage this 100% we could strive to reduce the amount of negative things we say. They carry weight and have energy.
Check out this water experiment if you don’t believe me and remember our bodies are 70% water!
4. Focus on the Positives
It’s easy to be cynical about this one. These days people’s favorite refrain to such painfully obvious advice is: well it’s easier said than done.
Consider that my father grew up in a relatively poor family in a small fishing village in India.
Consider also that he got married very young and moved his family to Uganda for work opportunity.
Consider that he was ousted from Africa with hundreds of thousands of other Indian immigrants, at gunpoint by the oppressive Amin regime.
Consider that he arrived in the UK as a refugee and lived with his young family of 5 in a refugee camp for over a year.
Consider that he then raised said family into successful and happy individuals in a completely foreign country.
Dad didn’t have an easy ride.
So the next time you’re bitching about someone you work with, while you sit at home in your fucking pyjamas, using your MacBook Pro and sipping $20 single origin coffee, remember that yes, maybe you can in fact see the positive in situations a little more.
The point of doing it, as with most noble things my father did, is not just for yourself but for the benefit of those around you.
Be mindful about the energy you put out into the world.
If you become the endlessly positive guy or gal I promise you’ll never be short of friends.
5. Just Take the First Step
I have never enjoyed studying. I’ll read on topics that interest me for hours but school curriculum? Get out of here with that shit… I procrastinated on every essay and school project I ever did. Scraping by.
My dad’s advice, which I employ until today was to just start.
5000 words to write by Monday and it’s already Saturday? Just write a sentence. Then go from there. If you feel like writing more, do it. If not, celebrate that you hit the first milestone, however small.
Every journey starts with the first step.
6. Take the Stairs
My dad was the healthiest person in our family by far. Never one to overeat. He never indulged in alcohol, tobacco or even meat. He wanted to live a long and healthy life.
Dad never used elevators, escalators or even drove a car unless absolutely necessary.
I still remember Saturday mornings he would march off to the town center in his blazer and corduroys just to go and buy the paper and a gallon of milk. He enjoyed the walk, he enjoyed being active and stopping to smell the roses.
I think there are two lessons here for the price of one:
1. Sometimes the unconventional ‘hard’ route gives you a different perspective. In elevators you just stare at your phone or a metal wall.
2. If you add up all the stairs and steps you take instead of driving, cumulatively in your life that’s got to be at least a million calories … just rack up small healthy habits.
7. Use People’s Names
I know he got this from Dale Carnegie, of whom he was quite the fan boy.
Dale said in his seminal work: How to Win Friends and Influence People, that no sound is sweeter to someone than their own name.
I used to cringe in grocery stores when my dad would address the shopworker by name enthusiastically. I noticed but didn’t appreciate the fact they used to look up and smile.
I now always call people by their name if I know it. As often as possible. People love it and it’s nice to make people feel good. Not for any type of gain or advantage. Just because.
You know, good karma.
8. Read biographies of people you admire
This one seems really obvious but nobody really seems to do it, at least not anyone I know.
If you want to get somewhere in life, the best way is to ask someone who is currently there right? So reading biographies of your heroes and those that inspire you seems like an obvious way to get some ideas on your own direction.
I like to think that people who write biographies, for the most part are later in their lives and want to pay it forward, help the next generation or inspire people. Maybe even cement their legacy or effect some wider change in the world.
I read Richard Branson’s autobiography and was shocked to see how someone so successful reached dizzying heights by simply doing whatever the heck he felt like.
I just finished Bryan Cranston’s autobiography and can’t believe what a non-linear path he followed in his life also.
As a professional contrarian and life long seeker of an authentic life rather than a cookie cutter one, it felt great seeing two men, admired by millions, living the type of life I want to lead.
Wrack your brain… who in the public eye is someone who is living the life you want? Get their biography. At the least you’ll feel good about your trajectory, at best it’ll inspire you to course correct in some small ways.
9. Don’t take on unnecessary or ‘bad’ debt
My dad gave me the book: Rich Dad, Poor Dad by Robert Kiyosaki. It’s a book on investing and essentially personal finance wisdom with a heavy slant on real estate and assets. My dad had a mortgage and I did until recently too. This is good debt.
Dad was vehemently against credit card debt and personal loans however. In his world, if you couldn’t afford it you shouldn’t buy it.
Who knew that in moving to America his sage advice and attitudes to borrowing would pay such dividends. I have several premium credit cards but I pay them off in full every two weeks, like clockwork. I have no student loans and have had no car financing or other loans my entire life.
It is pure freedom.
People always ask how I’m able to travel or quit jobs I hated or take any type of risk in life and it all comes down to not having lots of ‘bad’ debt.
My only ‘good’ debts were all paid off by tenants.
Great advice.
10. Find a Good Partner
This last one is again rather obvious and by no means unique to my dad but he was always extolling the virtues of a good wife to me.
To be honest, I don’t so much put stock in his advice about finding a wife because I find I am OK in my own company and totally self sufficient in ways my dad’s generation were not (I can cook for instance — don’t get triggered, this is a quality guys in the 1950s looked for in wives).
However, when I see what he and my mum were able to achieve together I am awestruck. They were a power couple in their own right. Raised a great family but were very active in the Indian community in Essex. They had more social plans than any of my siblings and I have had in our collective lives.
After my mum died the invitations to events dried up. Cruel? Perhaps. But it was painfully obvious that even though they were both great in their own right, their true value was as a package. My mum was funny and captivating, my dad the perfect partner — sweet, knowledgeable and interesting but able to take a back seat and let my mum shine. She kept a wonderful home and hosted parties well, my dad would do the invitations and make sure they were in touch with everyone at the right times. It was a team effort.
I’m currently into month 3 of a very promising relationship and haven’t given up hope that I’ll end up with a perfect partner who balances me out like these two superheroes did:
